Doctor J - Columnist

Dear Doctor J,

I have a question for you. When is it best, if at all best, to withhold the truth from someone I care a lot about? Or should I just be upfront with them?

Signed,
Contemplative Cutie

Dear Ms. Contemplative Cutie,

I could give you a million reasons on why lying is wrong and I could give you a list of reasons to justify “withholding the truth.” In the end, it all depends on circumstance. Sometimes, lying may seem like the necessary plan of action.

Generally though, lies end negatively and have a detrimental impact on relationships. I can’t directly answer your question without the details of the situation. So to assist you, I’ve pointed out various types of lies that may possibly sneak into any type of relationship. You may judge and/or react to them accordingly.

1. The self-esteem lie. Lots of people feel inadequate about themselves. So what do they do? They make up lies to compensate for their lack of something. It’s an insecurity issue. The purpose of this lie is to make him/her self look good in front of other people, in your case, your friend. On the extreme level, this insecurity could lead to the person becoming a habitual liar. Everybody knows at least one of them.

2. The avoidance lie. This type of lie is linked to your situation. It’s the kind of lie where you attempt to avoid your friend’s reaction. You are afraid that it will be something like disappointment or anger. You don’t fully know how to handle such emotions, so you take the easy road out and use a cover-up. But beware. Lying in this manner is very selfish (and is commonly and unsuccessfully used by men in relationships who try to cover up cheating).

3. The self-denial lie. People always lie to themselves. In doing so, they refuse to accept a reality that is too painful for them. It’s like denial. For instance, have you ever gotten lost riding around in a car with a guy? And then had to sit and listen to him repeatedly claim that he wasn’t lost, all the while knowing that he didn’t have a clue where he was? That’s self-denial. Too many of these and you’ll begin to wonder why you don’t have many friends.

4. The saving-face lie. The lie used to cover up a lie you told previously. This is the reason why your mother told you not to lie in the first place. It can get very complex as it progresses and expands. Creative people with good memories are usually good at this. If you are forgetful, don’t lie to your friend. It will only come back to slap you in the rear.

5. The compassionate lie. Okay, I think this one hits the nail on the head for your situation. Quite simply, this is what you use when you genuinely don’t want your friend to get hurt. Such a grand idea, right? Wrong. You're not protecting your friend from something that you've done that might be hurtful to him/her. Rather, you're trying to shield her from something you discovered or an opinion you think will be upsetting. Am I right?

6. The spiteful lie. I don’t think this one applies to your situation. At least I hope not. But this is the lie used as a weapon to hurt someone physically, emotionally, or psychologically. You’ve seen it before, many times even. Children in grade school do this all the time. You’re in college now. Grow up. Period.
Hope this sheds some light on your dilemma. Be patient with your friend and let me know how it goes.

Best Wishes,
Doctor J

Published: September 29, 2008 01:38 PM