Earlier this month current pop culture icons and pubescent heart throbs ,the Jonas Brothers, were insulted by the British comedian Russell Brand during the MTV Video Music Awards over their promise (abstinence) rings. Now instead of going over once more how I hate made-for-TV hipsters (or really hipster culture as it is now) I have to side with the little wankers this one time around, because if there is one thing the last eight years has taught me, it’s that abstinence only education works perfectly.

The fact is abstinence has dominated the socio-political landscape ever since the once terminally lolita Britney Spears declared she was saving herself until marriage (and look how well it turned out, she’s a success… again). And with the federal Title V funding all but banning teaching contraceptive method education, people who like a bit of morning, afternoon and/or evening delight have been declared pretty much the enemy, as they should be.

For example, this week the New York Times reported that CDC released information that Black people were most at risk for contracting HIV and AIDS. Not that this really matters as Black people don’t really have sex until marriage anyway. It’s true, because there is no way the socially conservative Black political and social leadership would have reason to believe that abstinence-only sex education wouldn’t be the solution to halting the growing epidemic of HIV cases in our community.

And even though the September eleventh article by Gardnier Harris references the fact that the most in danger are gay and bisexual Blacks it means nothing to us as a community; we all know black people aren’t gay or bisexual. The long heard adage that “they don’t allow that in their race” is a true one: the Jay’s on America’s Next Top Model? Paid Actors. Ru Paul? Secret government agent. Langston Hughes? Lost a lifetime bet to Thurgood Marshall. "Down Low" phenomena? Talk show falsehood. And we all know prison really doesn’t count.

And our popular culture goes on to perpetrate this current golden age of sexual education in America by putting teenage saccharine dipped "Tiger Beat" stars on a pedestal while reviling their shadowy peers in the realm of rap-dom. Luckily the compromise was well reached years ago when most pop culture stars stopped talking about condom use and the inherent dangers of playing without a raincoat altogether, staying strictly to cute euphemisms for the dreaded “S” word.

This fortunately leaves that outlaw brand of sexual education up to the mighty internet, which we have all been widely informed, is merely for porn. Luckily pornography has picked up the anti-contraceptive hard line by pretty much ignoring they exist. The industry does this even with the occupational hazards such as HIV positive actors working without protection (which happened most notably back in 2004), thus proving their ability to stay in touch with mainstream America outside of parodying famous sex scandals.

So truly the Jonas Brothers should be applauded for their desire to stay pure in this ungodly world if nothing else (because honestly their music sounds like what happens when Jon Bon Jovi and Ritchie Sambora do salivia with A-Ha). It’s not like anyone, from teen media sensation to daughter of newly famous politicians, could benefit from demystifying sex.

Published: September 29, 2008 01:36 PM